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Posts Tagged ‘grief’

Grief in Chronic Illness: Living with Cystic Fibrosis

Posted in Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , on October 5, 2013| Leave a Comment »

600_img[1]I met this beautiful young lady, Drew Dotson, who is living with Cystic Fibrosis. My interview with Drew gives insight of the grief she has been through and offers hope to others that may be battling a chronic illness.
1) When you first learned that you had CF, how did that make you feel?
I understood I had CF at a very early age, but I realized the gravity of it when I was 8 years old. I read an article that mentioned the life expectancy for someone with CF, and this was a complete shock to me. I was devastated. At age 8, I had already made big plans. I wanted to be the first female U.S. President, an actor, a model, a teacher, in the military, and the list goes on. At a time when most kids are invincible, I felt that my life was ruined. I began to focus on everything I wouldn’t be able to do. It was an instant change.
2) How did you know you were going through grief?
I was consumed with the thought of my death. Every night I cried myself to sleep, thinking about how I was going to die young. I remember sitting in elementary school, thinking about how I would never get married or have children. I became very end-oriented and stopped thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up.
3) What were some of the stages of grief that you went through, with an example of each?
I have toggled between different stages of grief throughout my lifetime. Currently, as a young adult, I think I am living in the acceptance stage, with occasional regression when I learn of deaths of others with CF.
Denial: When I learned the severity of my illness, I kept very quiet about it. I think this was my way of being in denial. I thought that, by keeping it to myself, it would be less of a reality.
Anger: I don’t recall having any angry outbursts or rage. However, I do recall rebelling against doing breathing treatments out of spite. I felt like, if I was going to die young, I didn’t want to waste my life doing treatments.
Bargaining: After my stint of refusing medications, I was hospitalized for the first time. This hospitalization was very emotional for me because I had pushed myself to the limit, and then I found myself regretting my behavior. I remember thinking that I would do better, that I wouldn’t let this happen again, etc.
Depression: College was a difficult time for me. I lost several friends my age with CF during this time. Also, because college is so future-focused, it was hard to keep from getting ahead of myself. For a lot of people, college is viewed as the transitional period to the real world. All of these thoughts were difficult to process because I had successfully spent so much of my life ignoring the future. I experienced a lot of sadness and didn’t feel as comfortable in social situations.
Acceptance: I spend most of my time now in acceptance. Routine doctor appointments help me keep tabs on the status of my health. Sometimes a bad visit or a hospitalization can push me more toward depression, but I am largely accepting of the situation. For the most part I consider myself accepting, yet realistic, about my illness. I can openly talk about death without feeling sad. There is a growing part of me believes I will see a cure in my lifetime, but I still try to live as though my time is limited.
4) What helped you the most to get through grief? (journaling, friends, etc.)
I think that talking to other people with chronic illness, specifically CF, was very helpful for me. I have a cousin with CF who is 18 months younger than me. She has been a big source of help for me because she understands what I’m going through. Sometimes it can be difficult talking to loved ones. They often want to be encouraging and uplifting, and sometimes that can make me feel as though the situation is being trivialized. I like having someone to talk to who won’t say “You’re going to live a long life” or “You shouldn’t think that way.” It is comforting to have someone that I can talk to without any reservation. I am lucky to have a family connection to CF, but there are also online communities for just about everything. My one warning is that, while online communities can provide support, they can also expose you to a lot of sadness.
5) What gave you hope?
I found hope in many things. First, I have always had a good support system in my family and close friends. Although I wasn’t very open about my CF growing up, I did have people I could talk to about how I was feeling. Second, I have been fortunate to have many more good days than bad days when it comes to my health. My good health, relatively speaking, has been a source of hope. Finally, the advancements made possible by the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation have given me great hope. New medications and therapies help me maintain a better quality of life. There are clinical trials happening right now that could drastically change my life.
6) How did you take care of yourself during grief?
I don’t know that I took care of myself as well as I should have. I started seeing a counselor when I graduated from college because the transition to adulthood was challenging. It can sometimes be difficult to talk to loved ones about how I’m feeling because I don’t want to make them sad or worried. Having an unbiased third party was great because I didn’t have to fear any negative impacts from sharing my feelings.
7) What advice can you share with others that may be having a difficult time accepting a chronic illness?
I would encourage others find a confidant (or a few) that they can talk to freely. I think my emotional journey would have been easier if I hadn’t bottled up my feelings for so long. As much as a chronic illness can contribute to becoming tough, it’s important to know how to be vulnerable, too. I used to have quite the Napoleon complex, thinking that I had to be the best at everything else to overcompensate for my illness. Once I learned that it’s okay to be vulnerable, my life changed for the better; I no longer felt as much pressure to be perfect. I would also encourage people with chronic illnesses to practice gratitude. If you make a concerted effort to be grateful, you’ll see that you have a lot of blessings.
Visit Drew’s website and check out her YouTube video!

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Part 3: Filling the Void with God’s Grace

Posted in Revelations, tagged , , , , , , on September 28, 2013| Leave a Comment »

And by Grace you’ll receive God’s PEACE!

god-brings-peace[1]For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Ephesians 2:8, 9 ESV)
There wasn’t anything I wanted more in my grief than feeling God’s PEACE. If I didn’t feel His peace, that meant I would feel the pain of loss.
The empty void I initially felt in my heart from losing my husband was very painful. I began to fill the void with the “flesh” by trying to get my needs met apart from God. When that didn’t work, I came to the point of surrendering to God. I had to learn to trust Him to take away the pain. As my prayer life increased, so did my faith in God. It’s rather a simple theory…it’s never going to work our way…so we might as well surrender to God’s plan.
Unfortunately, we have a hard time letting go of the flesh and abiding in the Holy Spirit. But by growing our faith in God, we begin to learn of His grace. No matter what we’ve done in our past it doesn’t matter. He’ll still fill our void with His grace and provide us with peace and forgiveness.
ONLY THROUGH FAITH, BY EMBRACING GRACE, WILL BRING PEACE!

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Part 2: Filling the Void with “Faith” during Grief

Posted in Revelations, tagged , , , , , , on September 15, 2013| Leave a Comment »

CrossOnHeart-300x225Some behaviors in grief are unhealthy which can cause serious consequences. To replace our unhealthy behaviors with new behaviors we have to change our belief system.

Proverbs 3:5-6   Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Faith has a starting point. Often it’s a wake-up call when we hit our bottom. For some it may be a D.U.I. or a trip to rehab. For others it may be a health issue over unhealthy eating habits. Or maybe what started out as a few dollars on a slot machine, turned into a larger gambling debt.

For me, I indulged in drinking, eating, and gambling until a serious consequence happened. It happened to my daughter because of my negligence. An accident that happened on the same day and time as my deceased husband’s death. On a Thursday evening at 8:00 pm. My wake-up call!

I reached a point where I had to surrender. God was waiting for me. I realized that I had to begin filling my void by trusting God. I had to begin to grow my faith. I gave up my destructive habits, surrendered all control over to God, and began to pray for peace and guidance.

What are some ways that you’re growing your faith?

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Part 1: Filling the Void “Our Way” in Grief

Posted in Revelations, tagged , , , , , , on September 8, 2013| Leave a Comment »

4c63cba276044235894f4fea34fd0135_2[1]An empty chocolate heart box. This is what my heart felt like when my husband died. Empty! What did I fill it back up with? Why do I grieve and feel such pain?

John 16:20 “I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”

We may feel like our grief will never turn to joy, but Jesus makes this promise to us.

There was a time in my early months of grief that I went into denial. Even though I was a Christian and had faith that God was with me, some of my behaviors were not showing that I trusted God with my grief. Two months into widowhood, I was on a trip with my 2 daughters in California. I told my friend Lynette that God was taking away the pain. I said this while I was having my 3rd or 4th margarita. (After the 2nd one, I lost count!) She told me the pain would come once I returned home. I didn’t believe her at the time. But after months of drinking and trying to numb the pain my way, there came a point where drinking no longer worked. The pain would always come back and not to even mention the consequences!

There comes a time where filling the void ourselves doesn’t work anymore.

What are some behaviors you’ve been known to do to fill your void in grief?

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Do We Always Think…They Died Before Their Time?

Posted in Grief Resources, Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , on August 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Bright_green_tree_-_Waikato-300x225[1]I’d like to share part of a post from my on-line friend, JoAnne. Her website, Heartache to Healing, is a wonderful place to go for grief support resources!

How Can People Know, Someone Dies Before Their Time?

I’m sure many of us have heard the comment “they died before their time”  when someone dies at what seems earlier than they should have.  I felt that way when my husband died at age 55 following an accident.  Being widowed at age 49 simply didn’t seem fair.  When children die we all feel a terrible injustice and our hearts break for parents that have to endure such a loss.  But I wonder, how can people know someone dies before their time?
However long you live maybe it simply is your time.  We don’t know when our time is, when it will end here on earth and most of our religious beliefs help us come to terms with death and how we can find peace with it. When a loved one dies we most often turn to our religious faith for answers, comfort and support. Faith can offer strength to us when our loved ones die, I know for me,  my faith helped me walk the journey through grief.  Read more….

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Different Kinds of Grief

Posted in Revelations, tagged , , , , , , , on August 18, 2013| Leave a Comment »

boredomI always thought that grief was only for death. When I became a widow, I learned grief wasn’t only about losing a loved one but a result from any major life change. Besides death, there’s….divorce… job change… marriage… baby…. moving…. illness…. losing a pet… natural disasters and retirement! When we realize we’re in grief, it’s easier to understand and cope.

  •  Divorce has different circumstances, but also a huge loss. The spouse is gone and the children may be gone or have to be scheduled in for visitation. Holiday traditions are changed and family get-togethers will be different.
  • Job Change is difficult especially if it entails moving. When changing jobs, you’re leaving your previous coworkers, and that can be sad. It’s not always easy making new friends in a new job while learning new responsibilities.
  • Marriage can cause you grief. Even though it’s a happy occasion you still may grieve the single life…the life you had with full autonomy! But you can’t have both! Just know that grieving can be normal as a newlywed.
  • Babies cause multiple grief issues. The new responsibility of raising a child is the realization that it’s no longer all about YOU. It’s about a dependent baby and loss of sleep! Perhaps this is where post-partum blues come from!
  • Moving can have either a positive or negative reason, but either way there are multiple grief issues. You’re uprooted from a community of friends, schools, jobs, churches, etc. We can be pulled away from dear loved ones.
  • Illness brings on grief in varying degrees. During a temporary illness, we grieve over things we may not be able to do while we’re sick. If it’s a chronic or terminal illness, we’ll have to grieve the healthier life we once had.
  • Pets cause us grief when they die. For some people, pets take the place of their children. Even though we realize that pets have a much shorter life span, it doesn’t make it any easier when they pass.
  • Natural Disasters such as tornados, fires, hurricanes, and earthquakes are usually sudden and unexpected. The severity will depend on how much grief you will experience. It could be minimal loss or it could be devastating loss.
  • Retirement brings grief. It’s a time for realizing that we’re getting older and life will never be the same. A lifetime job may be over, kids are grown and moved out, and health may not be good. We grieve for our younger years.

The list goes on, but I’ve touched on some of the major ones. My hope and purpose for writing this post is that people can recognize grief in their life and know that it’s normal. I think of the newly married bride that is feeling a little down and sad. She may be thinking, “Why am I so sad? This should be a happy change in my life!” She’s grieving for the single life she’ll no longer be a part of. And that’s OK!

If you’d like to contribute to an upcoming post on grief in YOUR life, please reply and send me an e-mail at: cindyspursuits@yahoo.com  I’d like to educate others on the various reasons we go through grief. It can be on death of a loved one or on one of the topics I mentioned above. I’ll have a few questions to ask you in an interview format. Thank you!

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The Top 10 Lessons I Learned From Grief

Posted in Revelations, tagged , , , , , , on August 10, 2013| Leave a Comment »

This was published for the Grief ToolBox

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/top-10-lessons-i-learned-grief

#10  I didn’t care what anyone thought about how I grieved:
Grief made me go crazy for a while. I was selfish and self-centered. Thankfully, my family and friends supported me through and took care of my children until I came to my senses.

#9  I prayed:

I soon realized that I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed God’s help. (Sounds like a 12 step program!)In my prayers, I not only talked to God, but I learned how to listen to Him and heed His advice.

#8 I had to rethink my priorities:

Grief taught me what was most important in my life. God became my number one priority. I then treasured my family and relationships that I still had here. My two daughters were my main concern.

#7 Time doesn’t heal all wounds:

It’s not about time. There are people who are still living in grief 17 yrs. later. Unless you do the grief work, with God’s help, you’ll continue to grieve. God is our healer who helps to heal our wounds.

#6  My loved one was only part of my life, not my whole life:

Traveling to visit family and friends brought me my first moments of joy. Many I knew before I even knew my loved one. I realized there was a lot more to my life than just my married life.

#5  Joy and pain coexist:

As I found myself feeling more joyful, a special day would bring back the pain. A birthday, a holiday, an anniversary day, my daughters’ dance recitals, my daughters’ graduations. It’s OK. The pain makes me remember the beautiful memories.

#4  God uses suffering for good to help us grow:

God has used me as a witness to bring others to Christ through my grief.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

#3  Life is temporary here:

Some day, I will lose another loved one. I will grieve again. But I have faith that my eternal home will be in Heaven. It will be a permanent place to reunite with my loved ones that have gone before.

#2  God is in control:

I’ve surrendered my life over. God’s in control of everything anyway. There’s no “What ifs…?” My life and everyone else’s life is in His hands. I trust He knows best. He’ll always have the last word!

And the #1 lesson I’ve learned from grief is:

# 1  It’s time to serve others and pass on the comfort that I received:

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

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Summer Break

Posted in Answer to Prayers, tagged , , , , , , on August 3, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Puerto Rico 2013 020We all need a break. Especially after we complete a life time goal. I completed my book, “A Widow’s Pursuit”, last year. I self-published it, put it on Amazon, and then threw a couple book parties to celebrate my accomplishment. After that, I converted the hard-copy into a kindle version to reach more readers. I know I have more marketing to do, but the book is done.

If I add up the time it took to journal, attend a writer’s group, (now that’s pain and suffering!) write endless drafts, have it edited, and have others read it for reviews and comments, we’re talking a total of about 17 years. An interesting fact is that I knew my first husband, before he died, for about 17 years!

So I closed this chapter of my life and celebrated my achievement. I choose to splurge with some of my closest family. My present husband, Joseph, agreed to a family vacation to Puerto Rico with our three daughters, my 4 year old grandson and his daddy. Seven of us in PR celebrating life!

Since my first husband’s parents still lived in Puerto Rico, it felt like a grand finale when we reunited and brought our blended families together. My daughters and I had traveled there several times and we also lived there for a year. So going back, one more time, felt like the circle of life was complete. It was a place I felt peace, joy, and purpose. It was a wonderful break this summer!

So what’s next? I’m planning to continue my pursuit to reach not only young widows, but others that are going through grief. There’s a purpose for everyone’s pain and suffering. It’s just a matter of pursuing God’s peace to help us through our darkest moments. During this time, our faith will grow and our purpose will be revealed. It’s actually a simple formula that promises us, life can be joyful and purposeful again!Puerto Rico 2013 068

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Grief Resources for Widowed Parents

Posted in Grief Resources, tagged , , , , , , on June 15, 2013| 3 Comments »

MR900089540[1]

My on-line friend, Ferree Hardy, has compiled some wonderful childrens’ grief resources. Please visit her blog,  Widow’s Christian Place for more Christian grief camps.

With summer upon us, have you considered finding a “grief camp” for your children to attend?

Often, your local hospice will sponsor such a thing. Exclusively Christian grief camps for kids are rare, so prayerfully consider what’s available in your community. Children might not seem like they need any help—yet. But if you can help equip them now for later on when they’re ready to deal with it, you’ll be a step ahead.Grief Camps:Camp Erin by the Moyer Foundation. Comfort Zone Camp camps are in California, Massachusetts, New Jersey, VirginiaOther resources for grieving children:National Alliance for Grieving Children Many articles about grieving children, and a map you can click on for help your area.New York Life Foundation This website link goes directly to the children’s page, but has lots of other help too

Hello Grief I’ve set up this link to the Hello Grief page of state-by-state resources. Find your state, click on it to discover the available programs.

Olivia’s House in York, PA mentioned in Renee’s comment below

Please remember that children can take many years to work through their grief. I was told by a counselor that on average, it can take children about 4 and a half years. I never forgot what she said and made sure that before I got on with my life in certain areas, I made sure my children made it through their grief first.

Read more about how I helped my children through their grief in my book: A Widow’s Pursuit: Finding Out There’s More to Life than Grief.   

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“Postcards from the Widow’s Path” by Ferree Hardy

Posted in Grief Resources, Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , on June 1, 2013| 2 Comments »

Postcards Greyden book cover picture[1]

I had the privilege to meet Ferree Hardy last year who authored, “Postcards from the Widow’s Path.” We first met through our blogs and then had the opportunity to have lunch one day when she was in Atlanta. It was wonderful to meet another remarried widow that had authored a widow’s book to show the glory she gives to God and how she walked by faith to a renewed life.

Please take a visit to Ferree’s website when you can, Widow’s Christian Place, to see the numerous resources she has for widows along with a link to purchase her book, Postcards from the Widow’s Path. Ferree’s book offers insight into the challenges of widowhood and how to achieve renewed life and hope. It gives a biblical understanding of God’s specific care and concern for widows

Ferree states that, “There are plenty of books about grief, and there are plenty of Bible studies about Ruth. But Postcards from the Widows’ Path is the only book that looks at Ruth through the eyes of a widow. Scripture comes alive as we see how God uses the examples of Ruth, Naomi and Orpah to guide us through the twists and turns of widowhood and into the deep love and compassion of God.”

It’s nice to know that there are many resources of hope for widows. We widows have to stick together and show, that if we pursue God’s help and provision in our lives, we can have a renewed life with joy, peace and purpose!

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