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Archive for the ‘Shared Stories’ Category

CHILDREN and GRIEF- WHAT’S A WIDOW TO DO?

Posted in Answer to Prayers, Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2015| 1 Comment »

Cropped pictureFrom my experience, as a young widow raising children, this is not an easy answer. First, I had to work through my grief. There’s no specific time limit for grief. It’s when a widow has worked through the stages and has accepted the loss. For me, it took two years before I could see the light of joy again.

I believe the parent must first work through grief to be capable of entering into another relationship. If they don’t, they could have unresolved grief and the children might have compounded grief. However long it takes, widows must work through their grief to then help their children complete theirs.

Once I was in a healthier state of mind and accepted my loss, I then realized my children still had a ways to go. After two years of widowhood, with an 8 and 9 yr. old, I had a marriage proposal. I really had to pray about it. A counselor told me that children can take on average four and a half years to work through grief.

So I put my heart and wants to the side. My children were my top priority and I had to make sure they resolved their grief before I moved on. I had them in support groups and children’s grief camps. I brought them to see counselors when I saw it was appropriate. And I always prayed for God’s direction!

So all my sacrifices and hard work paid off! It has produced the most beautiful joys and rewards. It wasn’t easy! I did remarry once my children were grown and on their own paths in life. My one daughter is married and my other is engaged. They have both been making very good decisions in their lives. Read my book to find out all the details of how the three of us made it through.

A Widow’s Pursuit: Finding Out There’s More to Life Than Grief

 

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WHO WILL WALK MY BABY DOWN THE AISLE?

Posted in Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2015| Leave a Comment »

I hadn’t thought about it until my daughter was engaged and the wedding plans began. Then it occurred to me one day, “I should be the one to walk my baby down the aisle. I spent the most time raising her!”

All my sweat and tears, for 14 years as a young widow, doing the best I could for my daughter. I was so proud of her, not to mention how much I loved her. I was honored to walk my precious daughter down the aisle and give her away to the man of her dreams. It was so beautiful and bittersweet!!

Down the aisle

 

 

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WHEN GRIEF SUBSIDES…WHAT’S BEYOND?

Posted in Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , on June 14, 2015| Leave a Comment »

1420215826zh4ns[1]Becoming a widow eventually begs the question…”Now what do I do?”

An article I published this year, on an online website, Open To Hope, reaches out to let widows know that they are not alone. This happens to the best of us!

Grief is a major part of a widow/widower’s life. Although everyone works through grief in their own way, there are still some similarities. I’d guess the majority of widow/widowers go through various stages of shock, denial, guilt, anger, depression, and hopefully acceptance. But every journey will also be unique.

Read the article, When Grief Subsides…What’s Beyond?

In my book, A WIDOW”S PURSUIT: Finding Out There’s More to Life Than Grief, I wrote about my challenges that I went through in grief and beyond.

What about you….is it time to…

CONQUER CHALLENGES & MAKE NEW GOALS?

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20 YEARS AFTER LOSS

Posted in Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2015| 2 Comments »

footprintsHard to believe… 20 years ago my first love passed away. I became a 34 year old widow with 2 daughters, 6 and 7 years old. My life changed in a matter of weeks when my husband died of pneumonia. This wasn’t what I planned. My plan was to continue living in our Florida home, going on yearly vacations, and enjoying our children as they grew up. But apparently, it wasn’t in God’s plan. He had another plan for me.

As I look back over the last 20 years, life turned into a journey where I never thought I would travel. It took a couple years to work through my grief before I could see the light of day again. But once I pulled through, with continuous faith in being led by God’s peace and guidance, I emerged as a new being.

I went to college and found a career to help others going through grief and hard times. At 37 yrs old, I started my adventure in social work. My children came first so school took awhile. I received my bachelor’s degree (BSW) when I was 46 and 4 years later, I received my master’s degree (MSW) followed by a Licensed Master’s of Social Work degree (LMSW). I was 50 years old with an education and life experience.

I raised my children for 14 years on my own. I refused a marriage proposal because if I had taken it, I would have regretted it. My children did not need a replacement and didn’t need any other grief in their lives. I wanted them to know that they came first until they were adults and on their own.

Today, at 54, I’ve been remarried for 5 years. My oldest, at 27, is in nursing school and working in the hospital as a nurse tech. My youngest, at 26, will be getting married in a few months. She completed her bachelor’s degree and then moved to California. We live on opposite sides of the country but my main concern is that she is happy. And I believe she is!

To sum it up, this year I finally obtained a full-time job position as a social worker for a home health agency. I actually pursued my dreams and I’m able to serve others now that are having a difficult time with illness, grief and loss. It comes full circle and down to one thing…..

II Corinthians I: 3,4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

 

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A New Year and a Fresh Start

Posted in Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , on February 3, 2015| Leave a Comment »

MC900444925[1]It’s the beginning of a New Year. This usually means new goals and new dreams. But what about when all your dreams have been shattered. It’s like starting from scratch again. Just doesn’t seem right. Just doesn’t seem fair!

But it is what it is. And I have found that the beginning of a New Year has always been a good time to reevaluate my life, my dreams and my goals. If my plans weren’t working out, maybe God had something better planned for me. As it took me some years to figure out…His plans for my life reaped many joys and blessings.

An article I wrote several years ago was published last month on The Grief Toolbox website about how I managed to work in A New Year and a Fresh Start despite my grief of becoming a young widow.

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A WIDOW REMEMBERS THE FIRST YEAR OF HOLIDAYS

Posted in Shared Stories, tagged , , , , on November 23, 2014| Leave a Comment »

images9QEMR5QRIt’s that dreadful time of year for most widows in their first year of widowhood! We can not hide from them. If we have children we have to go through the motions and put on a happy face even if we feel like crawling up into a ball and drowning in our sorrows until January comes!

It’s a good time to change traditions. I choose a different way to get through the holidays that first year of widowhood than ever before. Check out my article I wrote several years ago but just published this month in an on-line website for anyone experiencing loss, Open to Hope: Finding Hope After Loss- A WIDOW REMEMBERS THE FIRST YEAR OF HOLIDAYS.

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WIDOWS AND DATING….UGH!

Posted in Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , on October 4, 2014| Leave a Comment »

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There may come a time, in a widow’s world, where dating may be considered. When there are children involved, this can be a difficult decision. Is it time? Is it in God’s plan? Here is an article I wrote several years ago that I just had published on The Grief Toolbox: Dating vs. Children…What’s a Widow’s Priority?

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3 THINGS I DID IN GRIEF TO HEAR GOD’S VOICE

Posted in Answer to Prayers, Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2014| 1 Comment »

The Godly Widow Confiding in the Widow's GodIn my widowhood, over the years, I can now look back and see how much I listened to God’s voice by the way my life turned out. My transformation began after my spouse’s death by surrendering my trust over to God. Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not  lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him. And He will make your paths straight”.

Living in this world can be very confusing when a loved one has passed. There’s a lot we don’t understand. We don’t know what the after life will really be like. We only know that we have to trust God that He knows best and has our best interests at heart. I craved to be closer to God knowing only He could get me through grief.

The first thing I did to hear from God was to pray. I prayed for direction in my life. I prayed for my children without a father. I prayed for God to watch over and protect my children because I couldn’t always be with them. Rarely did a day go by without having a prayer to start my day. Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.

The second thing I did to hear God’s voice was to be obedient. This began at a time when I was desperate and God was all I had. It seemed the more obedient I was to God’s Word, the more the channels were open to hear from God. I rested every Sabbath (Sunday) and kept it holy. Though I dated, I reserved ever having sex again unless I got remarried. You got the picture. It was really a simple equation for me: Prayer + Obedience = Hearing God’s Voice.

The third thing I did to hear God’s voice was to listen and watch for signs. Sometimes it was a feeling of peace that washed over me when I was doing what I felt He wanted me to do….

Two years into widowhood as I prayed for direction in my life, I considered a move to Puerto Rico to live with my in-laws for a year. I felt my two daughters, 8 and 9 years old at the time, would benefit from having the love of their father’s family ingrained in their hearts forever. I just happened to cross paths with an individual that had moved to Puerto Rico for a year and he stressed how beneficial it worked out for him. I considered it a sign and began working towards that goal for the following summer. It wasn’t easy and it was a huge sacrifice for me. I had to rent out our home in Florida then pack our belongings and car in storage for a year. But everything fell into place PERFECTLY. That’s when I felt God’s peace and knew I had heard His voice!

Sometimes there were signs after I prayed that seemed so obvious….

Five years into widowhood, I had journaled 450 pages of my grief journey. That summer, at a friend’s home, I was typing them up on my vacation. Each day I’d spend a few hours every evening typing up a chapter. On the third day, I was wondering if this was worth it. I prayed to God that day for a sign to continue this laborious project on my vacation. As I was typing up my third chapter that evening (being obedient), my friend came rushing into the family room. “Cindy, you have to watch this program that is on!”. It was titled “Mere Coincidences” about spiritual occurrences that happened after loved ones passed and signs that they were still around. My mouth dropped, I said, “Carol! Look at the title of the chapter I’m typing up tonight!” I flipped it over to the title page and it revealed, “Mere Coincidences- or signs from above?”.

And so I completed my book, “A Widow’s Pursuit, Finding Out There’s More to Life Than Grief”.

And not only did I hear God’s voice through the years, God also heard my prayers. My daughters had God as their father growing up and are now 2 beautiful young ladies pursuing their own goals and dreams in which I am so proud of!

 

 

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Did I Say that I’d Never Marry Again?

Posted in Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , on May 21, 2014| 1 Comment »

MP900049868[1]I wrote this article a couple years ago that was published on my birthday this year, May 10, 2014, on an on-line loss website:

Open to Hope Foundation

So it was just over a year that I became a widow. I was doing ok. I had my good days and my not so good days. But over all, life was tolerable. I was getting used to being a single mom and accepting the fact that this was my new and permanent life.

“Are you dating anyone?” a family member innocently asked me. I CAN’T BELIEVE HE ASKED ME THAT!

“No, and I don’t plan to,” I said. “Nobody will ever take Nelson’s place, and I’ll never marry again.” He looked at me doubtfully.

I didn’t understand why people would ask me that question. Couldn’t they understand if you love someone with all your heart you won’t desire anyone else. I already felt the Lord would always take care of my family. I clung to the Scripture verse that stated it was better to stay unmarried:

1 Corinthians 7: 8-9 “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say; It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am, But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

If I could continue to have self-control, this is what the Lord would prefer. I had to understand that everyone had their own opinion. It didn’t make sense to argue. I knew in my heart that I would remain single to probably the day I died.

Well, I did remain single for many years — until seven years into my widowhood, when I met someone that I couldn’t live without. As much as I had enjoyed my single life and independence, there still wasn’t anything that beats having someone to love and to be loved in return.

I’ve been remarried now for three wonderful years. One lesson I’ve learned is to treasure every relationship every day because we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Nothing is permanent, it’s just temporarily beautiful!

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WHEN WIDOWS SHOULD HEED THEIR FRIENDS’ ADVICE

Posted in Shared Stories, tagged , , , , , , on March 8, 2014| 2 Comments »

423893_227905027306832_216868583_n[1]This article was published this week on “The Grief Toolbox” website:

During my first year of widowhood, most of my friends had no idea what I was going through but they had more common sense than I did. I did know I was crazy for awhile. I realized I was feeling and behaving in ways that were so out of my character. For the most part, I did what I wanted to do, went where I wanted to go, and seldom considered the consequences. And for the majority of the time, my friends stuck with me and just let me be me.

So when a time came when I was on the verge of possibly making a huge mistake for my family, my friends, being friends, gave me some advice. When my former husband died, we lived in a single family home, in a neighborhood with many friends. I had promised my daughters that we would continue to live there. Nine months or so into my widowhood, I felt as if being tossed back and forth. I knew I had to let go of the past, accept what happened, and move forward.

With bi-polar feelings, there were still days I’d wallow in tears. I knew I couldn’t go back but I cried for the memories. Then, on possibly the very next day, I’d be looking forward to and planning what my next move would entail. My parents and only sibling lived in the Carolinas. Living in Florida, I felt further away than I wanted to be from my family. I came up with what I thought was a logical idea to move to North Carolina where my family lived and have a support system.

My friends came to my rescue. There’s a saying for the widow…”Don’t do any big moves in the first year!”. Some widows don’t have a choice but to move. However, in my situation the cons for moving outweighed the pros. My support system were my friends. They were like sisters to me. My daughters were happy in their school, in their neighborhood, and involved with dance and gymnastics. A lot of people in our community knew our situation, and that alone was comforting.

I listened and considered my friends’ advice not to move for at least a year. Well, I thought, that’s only 3 or 4 more months. I can wait it out. And as the last couple months of the first year winded down,  I realized how much it didn’t make sense to move at this time. It didn’t mean at all that I didn’t love my family. It meant why would I uproot my daughters and myself when we were surrounded by people that already loved us. Why would I subject my family to another change so soon?

When a year was up, the last thing I wanted to do was move. I believe one purpose for having friends in grief is listening to their advice because they have more sense than the grieving widow. I was still in a fog and couldn’t see the whole picture. So in my case it was true, I wasn’t ready to make any big decisions until a year had passed. My friends knew that and loved me enough to tell me. That’s what friends are for!!

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